Select Page

Confidence is a funny thing. It comes and goes like the wind, with no rhyme or reason.

It’s strange how moods work. You can go for days feeling great, and everything around you seems perfect. You feel strong, your hair looks good, everything is funny and sunny, and then BAM. It’s over.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been riding a wave. After the initial release of the book, and the subsequent response, I have been on a roll. It’s been terrific. Then, in an effort to help book sales and exposure, I started this blog. Truth be told, I had no hopes at all for the blog. In fact, prior to a few weeks ago. I hated blogs. I felt that they were all badly written and self-indulgent. Until I started one. Then a strange thing happened; I got a tremendously positive response from the postings. In fact, far better than from the book itself, which was both enlightening and disappointing at the same time, since I spent days and weeks on each story, and about an hour on each blog post.

However, the blog posts did not translate into any books sales. On Monday, for the 4th day in a row, there were no increases. None. Not a single book. Zilch.  I went to bed disillusioned. I wasn’t a real writer, I was a hack. I was a kid, pretending to be a wolf, pretending to be a king.

I woke up on Tuesday with one thought in mind. Loser.  CAPITAL L.

Then I made the mistake of logging on to my work e-mail. Not a smart move. The L kept getting larger. It took up residence on my couch. It wanted its own room.

Wallowing in bitterness and self-pity and carrying the stain of divorce, I set out to to trash the people I despise the most… Happy people…  Not real happy people, the don’t exist. Delusional happy people. Couples in love.

I started a diatribe on the evils of marriage, and lo and behold, the piece took off. It wrote itself in about 25 minutes. And on top of that… it was FRIGGING FUNNY… and it was mostly true… (I didn’t really wear a wedding band. But we all know that if I did… it would have worked. Don’t kid yourselves.)

But the nice things was, my mood had returned. I wrote a few hundred words and went to bed creatively satisfied. In the morning, after correcting the misspellings and removing some of the more objectionable comments, I posted the blog. (And yes, there were some real doozies, that I deleted after a night of sleep.) Then I jumped the train and headed to the city for a afternoon of appointments. Then I returned home around 3.

Whoa. I knew I would get a reaction… but WHOA.  I got a litany of pointed and nasty e-mails. Ok, it was only 4. But I got a lot of Facebook comments too. Some good, some bad. None were indifferent.

One person said I was a loser and I would spend my life alone… like that’s a bad thing.

Another person wrote “Marriage has many good qualities, celibacy has none.” I wrote back a three line response:

Celibacy carries no disease.

Celibacy makes no alimony payments.

I am not celibate. I turn down more sex in a month than your wife gives you in a year.

I don’t think he’s going to be ordering my book anytime soon.

I left for my evening appointment as giddy as a Catholic school girl on a windy day.

The positive responses were so much better. Steve Mac said I was a rabble-rouser. The male Ann Coulter. Only my breasts are bigger.

I floated through the rest of the day. At midnight, I checked the stats for the day. Normally I get about 100 hits on my page per day. Today was almost 3 times that. So evidently, heartfelt stories about missing your dear departed dad get no response, but a bitter diatribe about marriage and divorce triples you exposure. No wonder all those rappers try to get arrested.

I have decided that in order to boost book sales, I’m going to have to get on TMZ somehow. I’m thinking about beating up a celebrity. I wanna smack Ryan Goosehead… but he’s pretty wiry and fit. I might take a beating. I know I can slap Clooney around, he’s soft the the Pillsbury boy. Stallone is broken down, but his star-quotient is zero. That might not even make it to the Post. If you have a celeb that you want me to crack, let me know. I’ll see what I can do… but the point is, Controversy Sells!

Until then, I’m just going to have to keep up the posts. I just wish I was against abortion or gay-marriage, or gun control. No one cares if you agree with them.

Maybe if I support fracking… the jury is still out on that. Or Global warming, I mean are we really sure it’s a real phenomenon? Or maybe…