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I have been at a loss for blog topics over the past week, and I’m not ready to delve into the political arena, so I decided to share some of the dating secrets that I have amassed over the past 47 years. This post only pertains to sex and dating, being that I have no earthly clue how to maintain a healthy relationship.

Some of these observations are mine, some are stolen. I will try and note those that are not mine.

First of all, women want to have sex just as much as we do. They just have for more responsibility than we do, and don’t obsess as much. Generally women prefer, mind-blowing, window-rattling, multi-orgasmic sex. This is in short supply. Men would settle for a hand-job on the subway… from a stranger…

Sex with women under 30 is pretty much a waste of time. While they do happen to be young and beautiful and sexy and vivacious, they simply can not compete with a mature woman. This is not an indictment of 20-somethings, it is just a statement of fact; the switch doesn’t come on for a woman until she hits 30. If you are 24, do not get angry at this statement. Just ask your momma and count the minutes.

Women over 40 are basically insatiable. While they may be satisfied, they are not satiated. If she says she is, she’s lying. She probably faked it. If she says she’s tired or has a headache, it just means she’s tired of you.

– Some guys are better looking than others. Nothing can be done about it, but over-compensating is a disaster. Unless you have a great line of shit, the less you say, the better. Mystery trumps braggadocio every time.

– When taking a girl on a first date, have a plan.  Doesn’t matter what that plan is, just have one. Confidence and decisiveness are a turn-on. Do not take a girl to a movie on a first date. It’s a bad sign. A play is ok, but not recommended. No one wants to sit in silence. Do not ever say, “Watta you want to do next.”

Money saving tips for a first-date (stolen from James the King) – Only order one soda. Drink water the rest of the night. Soda’s are 3 bucks a pop. Let her order whatever she wants, but skip the appetizers. They cost 10 bucks apiece and chances are she’s not going to eat them anyway. When it’s time for dessert, suggest another venue. The cake and coffee in restaurants is outrageously over-priced. Taking her to a cafe lessens the bill, and extends the date. It also makes it look like you have put preparation into the evening.

– Weather dependent, always take a short walk after dinner. It helps in digestion and it usually provides you with a number of items to talk about; bums, nice car, architecture…

– Whenever you can, it’s always a plus if you can get the girl into your house for a short period of time, BEFORE you actually try and get her back to your apartment. – Going to a man’s apartment is a scary event. She doesn’t know if you have severed heads in the freezer. She would much rather be on her home court, but her husband might not like that. – Here’s a trick I used on a few occasions – A few hours before the date, I call and say my car won’t start, can you pick me up? When she shows up, I say.. Sorry. I’m running late, come in for a minute... let her see the house, see that you are somewhat civilized, and then get her out of there quickly. Once she’s seen your place, it’s a little bit easier to get her back there.

– Don’t spend too much time talking about how great you are. Let her do that. I like to diminish myself to see what she does. If I say that I’m got a fat head, more than likely, she will come back with “No you don’t!”  She can’t help it, women despise the idea of fat. Now, she’s complimenting you and she doesn’t even realize it. Even if you are fat, she’s just told her brain – “He’s not fat, he’s just round.”   If you do have an accomplishment, make it as humble as possible. Nobody likes to hear “I climbed Everest” when, “I like to go hiking” will work just fine.

In the house –  always have bottled water and one other item to drink. Always offer her something to drink. It’s always advisable to have flavored tea in the house. If you offer a woman a cup of tea, her whole perception of you changes.

–  Keep the house clean. If you can only clean one room, clean the bathroom. If you can’t clean the bathroom, clean the toilet. They notice.  (This is partly stolen, although I forget the author)

– “No respectable woman will climb into an unmade bed.” – I heard this when I was 15; I’ve made my bed every day since. It doesn’t have to be military precision. A simple smooth-out of the covers will work.

– If you leave a pile of clothes on the floor, you look like a pig. If you separate the piles into whites and colors, it just looks like the night before laundry day.

– Take a shower.  Cologne is for European men who don’t take showers. Body wash is ok. –  If you can’t take a shower in time, a little dab of speed-stick into stinky areas will help a lot. I prefer Red Zone.

– Always have a backup toothbrush. Do not share a toothbrush. Ever.

WOMEN – No matter what he says, he will not respect you in the morning if you sleep with him on the first date. HE WANTS YOU TO SAY NO. Trust me on this. He will sleep with you, but you will diminish in his eyes. Don’t worry about leaving him high and dry. We’ve been handling that problem our whole lives.

MEN – Do not have intercourse the first time you have sex with her.  Yes. I said that. I’ll repeat it for you. DON”T FUCK HER THE FIRST TIME.   If you tell her that you just aren’t ready, it will blow her mind. She will think something is wrong with you. She will think you are gay. She will tell her girlfriends about you. She will leave hot and bothered and wondering if there is something wrong with her.   And when she comes back, she will have something to prove. She will attack you with a vengeance. (Note, if you do this to a women over 40, it can backfire in two ways: A. She may not come back, B. If she does, she may kill you during the act. Proceed at your own risk.) This is a special discipline, but it’s worth it. You WANT to stand out from the rest of the nitwit mouth-breathers in the world.

– Drive her home. If she drove, walk her to the car.

– Call the next day.  The earlier the better. Text her later on.

– If you like the girl, make the plan for the 2nd date quickly. The date itself may not be for a week or so, but don’t leave her hanging. Make the plan quickly. She will lose interest if you don’t.

2nd date – I like quick 2nd dates. “Meet me for lunch” is a fave. It lacks the formality and it’s over quickly if the conversation drags. This is usually when you find out whether you like her or not.

– Do not use your cell phone while on the date. Do not text anyone. If your phone rings, look at it, and say, “not important.”  If it is important, say “do you mind if I take this?”  If she takes or makes more than one phone call, she’s a twat. Fake a heart-attack.

3rd dates are key. This is usually make or break. I like to go for quirky on the third date. Museums are cool. Out of the way places are even better. A day drive to a burger joint in Westchester is a home run. Once again, have a plan. I once took a girl to lunch and then invited her to go shopping for a couch… I didn’t really need a couch, and the date didn’t go anywhere… but boy was she happy…

– Regardless of my financial situation, I don’t let the girl pay for anything on the first three dates, after that it’s up to your level of comfort. The one exception is this – I like to ask if she has a dollar bill for gum or the paper. It lets her know that you are confident enough to ask for a dollar, and it lets you know a lot about her. If she gives up the buck without complaint, she’s probably someone you can hang with for a while. If she can’t part with a dollar, fake an aneurysm.

– Try not to talk about ex-girlfriends for a while, unless she asks. If she does, keep it neutral. It’s her test for you. If you trash the last one, she’s going to assume that you will do the same to her. If you speak glowingly, she’s going to assume that you’re not over her.

– Find out her birthday right away. Write it down. Commit it to memory.

Movies – Unless she absolutely hates sports, sporting events are preferable to movies. There’s a buzz. There’s excitement. You can talk. You can cheer, You can people watch, and there is an unknown outcome. If you take her to a movie on an early date, and the movie happens to suck, then in her mind, the date sucked too.

Gifts are tricky. They can go either way. If you go exorbitant, you can look desperate. If you go with trinkets, you can look cheap and uncaring. My solution not only works, it happens to be true. “I don’t like gifts. I like memories. Don’t buy me something, take me somewhere.” See if that helps.

I do suggest that you give her a copy of Split Rock Road. It will show your sensitive side.

Sex – I’m not going to tell you how to have sex. That’s for you and your mate to decide. I have only three pieces of advice. A. Ask a lot of questions. Make it about her and what she wants.   B. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend. C. The condom is the greatest invention ever and is man’s best friend. Use them.