Hi ho… Hi ho…


Posted on August 8th, by James McAllen in Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I put the key in the door at 5:30 am… I’m home.  Two weeks ago, I was leaving the house at 5:30 am. Life takes funny turns and strange bounces.

It’s five weeks in, and I still don’t know whether or not I like this job. Oh, I like it well enough on Thursday evenings when the direct deposit lands, but I’m waffling the rest of the time. People ask me about my new gig all the time and I make the most ambiguous responses…  “Ah… kinda, I think so… I mean, it’s better than the last place…” Blah Blah Blah…

Truth be told… it’s a great company, and a great place to work and the people have been really helpful and willing to teach, and frankly I’ve been surprised by it… Most places resent the new guy and worry that he’s gonna take their job. Here they ask you how they can help about 10 times a day…  Plus they have free soda and snacks and cereal… and fruit…

The work however, is really hard… I won’t bore you with the details of the Unix Operating System, but it’s way beyond anything thing I’ve done before in computer operations and at times I feel totally overwhelmed. Like about 13 times a night… Last week, during one of those bleak moments, I text’d one of my friends and told her that I was going to quit… Then I realized that I was poor and went back to work. An hour later I was fine. An hour after that, I was texting again.

And the funny thing is, they told me this would be exactly how I would feel…. they told me that during the interview… I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn’t…

I leave work at 5am. It’s quiet, peaceful and I get home in 18 minutes. Sometimes it takes me that long to find a parking spot.  Everything is hopeful at that time of day. I usually can’t wait to get back there… until I get back there…

And yet, my dissatisfaction has nothing to do with the job at all…

It’s the overwhelming thought that I missed a turn somewhere  and wound up here…

It’s that lasting childish dream that someday I would be destined for greatness… Did I miss my shot, or has it just not happened?

It’s the thought of creating a piece of art so amazing that makes people stand up and say… wow.. he mattered

Morrison once wrote… “Give us one more hour to perform our art and perfect our lives.”  In my own way, I pray for that everyday.

Funny thing is, not long ago, I prayed for a new job… then I got it…  I try and make a point of being thankful and grateful every day, but there is also the point where I say… “Stupid, why didn’t you ask for 400,000 book sales?”

I recently entered one of my screenplays in the Nicholls contest. This is the grand-daddy of all writing contests… This is what they said in the letter informing me that I didn’t make the next round.

While falling short of advancing, your script received two positive scores from readers but fell outside the top 20% of all entries. Its numerical placement was within scripts 1530 to 2786 out of 7,251 entries.

This basically means… while you don’t completely suck, you’re pretty mediocre.

Actually, the script wasn’t that good. I rushed it out to make the deadline, and hoped for the best. The script has been sitting unfinished on my computer for over 10 years, and now I decided that 40 days was enough time to get it finished and shipped off to Hollywood. Guess what?  If you put in minimal effort, you get shitty results. Not really that hard to figure out, is it?

And yet, I’m not discouraged.  It’s like what they tell teenage boys that get turned down for a date by the hot chick in High School… Every NO brings you one steps closer to YES.

Or maybe I’m being punished. Maybe this is the work of some angry, vengeful, jealous God who doesn’t like that at times I have publicly mocked him, and then went home and asked him (or her) for forgiveness.

When I was a younger man with lustful thoughts and desires, I took a comely young girl to Coney Island and rode the Carousel. I learned a lesson in Physics that day. When the person on the horse in front of you grabs the ring, there is simply not enough time for the next ring to drop before your horse gets there. I’ve lived my entire life feeling that I was going to get THISCLOSE to the brass ring… only to see it snatched away.

In another week or so, I’ll be changing schedules again. The one obvious drawback of this constant upheaval is that my writing has taken a backseat to the job. I forced myself to write this blog entry this morning. It’s been almost two weeks since the last one…  This one was pretty mediocre too…

Don’t give up on me, I promise I’ll do better…

Until next time…

 

 

 

 





One thought on “Hi ho… Hi ho…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *